


Diary of Watford

by Through_The_Years



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Demons, F/M, Fiona is sad, Fuck Coven, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Is it a crack, M/M, Malcolm Grimm is an Asshole, Memory Loss, No Humdrum (Simon Snow), No mage, Not Canon Compliant, Not too happy ending?, Outing, Pitch is plotting, Protective Simon Snow, Self-Hatred, Simon Snow is Gay for Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, breakdown - Freeform, ghost - Freeform, it feels like one, suicidal attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:16:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 18,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25998136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Through_The_Years/pseuds/Through_The_Years
Summary: I wish Natasha was here with me and you weren't. Because you are nothing if not a disappointment. Natasha would have hated everything about you. Gay. A vampire. Maybe it's not too late to let the world of Mages know what a monster you are. Get out of the house and never contact either me or your siblings again.
Relationships: Nicodemus Petty/Fiona Pitch, Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Penelope Bunce/Shepard, Simon Snow/Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Kudos: 18





	1. Burning

**Author's Note:**

> All the characters are 18+

**Malcolm**

You are disgrace to Pitch family, bastard. To embarrass us even more than you already had, in such way. Was being vampire not enough for you? Why did you choose to become this? So, you are gay, huh? Seriously, Basile. I've already lowered my expectations for you, they were low, so so low yet you have failed me, again. Congratulations.

I wish you died instead of her. That's it, the truth i've been hiding from you. I wish Natasha was here, with me and you weren't. Because you are nothing if not a disappointment. Natasha would have hated everything about you. Gay. A vampire. Maybe it's not too late to let the world of Mages know what a monster you are. Get out of the house and never contact either me or your siblings again.

**Baz**

**  
** Well, that is the outing to remember. Everyone knows i'm a vampire. Everyone knows i'm gay. Thank you, father, love you too.

  
I don't know how it is I'm still tho not alive but very present and certainly not killed.  
Well, that's a lie. I do know. I'm under Bunce's protection.

  
A few days after my father outed me as a creature of the night, the ghost of my mother came back. Just one visiting. She came to the one person she knew she could ask for help. Mitali Bunce. Mother did it for me. Came back for me. To save me. Or maybe she just wanted to be reassured i was going to get help, that i wasn't alone. Or maybe she just really wanted to see Mitali. I could never tell with the feelings.

I hope Mitali gives up. Hope she won't end loosing her position as head Master of Watford because of me. Crowley knows I don't deserve being saved. Being burnt to ashes is what i should get in the end.

Old Bunce wasn't shocked by the revelation of course. She was one of a few people who knew all about me, including my condition. Practically adopted me after my mother's death. We were close before it happened too. Mitali Bunce and Natasha Pitch (yes, Natasha _Pitch_ , eat it, father) were inseparable.

Looking back at it now, i'm feeling like there might have been something more to it than a friendship. Bunce's Manor had always been my second home. After the accident it became the first and only home i had everhad as a child.

Malcolm was never around anyway and my aunt Fiona was too stricken by grief to face anyone. So no one minded me living with another family.

  
Maybe Mitali really did love my mother. Or maybe she loved me tho it's as hard to believe in as me having a soul. What i find more believable is she just felt guilty she failed to save my mother. Or maybe she blaimed herself that the attack happend at all. Had she put more effort into securing school, had she been there in time, if, if, if...

_No, don't think this way, any of this, don't start imagining what could have been._

So, back to the topic, shall we?

After the attack i was hunted by nightmares every night. I'd wake up crying for help, feeling suffocated, panic attack rising in my chest. I had no idea what the dreams were about. I could guess, we all could, but i didn't remember any of them, couldn't bring myself to remember one to save my life. 

Mitali took me to see a therapist. That's how we figured out i was bitten. She cried, too long, too hard. I didn't. I didn't know what it meant, didn't know my undead life was yet to begin.

**Agatha**

Doesn't matter what i do, it's never enough. It's me. I'm the problem. I don't want to be me.   
I don't want to be. 

**Shepard**

Slowly dying isn't as painful as one might think. I'm not in the unbearable pain all the time, just most of it. So, really, it's fine. I'm doing okay for someone who is, well, me.   
I just wish i had more time. 


	2. Love is unfortunate business

**Agatha**

I feel the sun touching my skin, warming me up. Figuratively and literally speaking as I'm holding Simon's hand while we are sitting on the grass near gates of Watford.

I should be happy, shouldn't I? The boy I love is safe and with me. There's nothing but us, cuddling together, feeling peace and calm that come from nowhere but within.

My dear Simon, my sweet boy of sunshine, I'm sorry. For many things. For being broken, not good enough to be worthy of your destiny of the saviour. But you don't know it yet. For you, all is well. Tho i can say something's been troubling you lately. You seem too distant, far more out of reach than usual. I wish you felt like you could tell me, confide in me. Whatever it is, Simon. For there's nothing I wouldn't do to make you happy.

I don't know if dating you is right for me. Or if it's right for you. But as long as you tell me you want this, us, i will not stop trying.

**Fiona**

This motherfucker. I can't believe my sister would fall in love with the fucker of a human being. I've been texting him all day and he still hasn't responded to any of my messages.

Dickhead. 

I'm now standing at the front gate of Pitch Manor. Either he will let me in or i'll blow everything up here. I'd gladly do so too. Blow up the building, take Daphne and the kids away. If he's being dick to his son he shouldn't have an opportunity to hurt any of other children.

But justice needs to wait. I have to try to talk some sense into Malcom. Baz needs him. Which means, I have a mission.

* * *

**13 missed calls**

**Fiona** :

_Answer ur fucking phone_

_He's dead he's fucking dead_

_He's been drained dry_

_Baz, you need to hide_

_I know it wasn't you_

_Must have pissed of some another vampire_

_We'll figure this out, okay?_

_Baz???_

_You ok?_

* * *

**Baz**

Everything hurts. Can't move. Can't open my eyes.

I don't know where i am. Last i remember i was going to Murmurs house. Then i felt the presence of Simon's magic somewhere in the distance. It always smells of burning and fire, i would never mistake it for anyone else's. I started to turn to see what was going on and then i blacked out.

**Penny**

I think Simon took his "I need to keep an eye on Baz" behaviour to a completely new level. We were told to save Baz and hide, not to magically teleport him to another country without his consent. (I freaked out, Pen, okay???)

I'm pretty sure it's considered kidnapping. I, however, shouldn't be blamed for any of this. I was panicking. We needed to do something and soon. My mother called me and said Coven, after finding out about Malcom Pitch death, had sent Hunters after Baz. We were barely there in time. Simon had to go off in order to get Hunters lose conscious. Unfortunately, so did Baz.

So, here we are, in the abandoned house, somewhere in the California, hidden from everyone by dark magic my Mother told me to use; Baz still not moving on the couch, Simon nervously chewing on his bottom lip sitting on the floor next to him.

Nothing is okay. I'm not sure if it will be. Not sure if we will ever be able to return home. But I can't say it. Admitting defeat means one step closer to actually loosing a battle. And we can't lose. Not when Baz's life is at stake.

We have too much to lose. Simon is wanted by Coven for attacking hunters on the mission. My mother is being temporarily replaced as a head of Watford for warning us. They blame everything on her. This was the last message she'd sent me before they took away her phone. I don't know how i'm gonna tell Baz everything. About his father. Our mother. About Fiona being suspended from her job and loosing her position as Hunter forever. He's gonna blame himself for it. I know he will. Morgana, he's gonna be devastated. I'm scared. For him. For mother. For us. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths to swallow the tears and to not let the fear show. I have to be strong, for my boys, for my family. I just hope me and Simon would be enough for Baz to not fall apart once he wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it as much as i did ! :)


	3. Hi there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny's hair is in danger, someone better hold her hands

**Simon**

I'm the worst chosen one to ever have been chosen and here's why:

1\. I haven't got a clue what it is I'm supposed to save .  
A World of Magic? Normal World? Some ancient magic artifacts?

2\. What i'm supposed to save it from?  
I mean, who's the threat? Who am i to kill? How do you win against someone if you don't know you are fighting at all?

3\. Baz constantly says so.

Okay, the latest might be not of great importance. But still.

I'm no good of a hero. Mage told me i was gonna have future; my destiny was waiting for me to grow up, he said.

_It is written in the stars, Simon._

Me and him were supposed to become heroes together. No longer after that, after he'd taken me to Watford, he died.

Seriously, who does that? _Seriously._

From heart failure, no kidding. I thought great mages weren't supposed to die the way Normals do.

So here i am, a hero without his mentor, failed mage and disappointment to universe of prophecies.

**Mitali**

They've locked me in some basement and have taken away my phone. I can't reach children to make sure they are okay. I know they are excellent mages and can take care of themselves but still.

My dear sunshine, don't worry. Mama will take care of it. Somehow.

**Unknown POV**

Time is running out, we are running out of time.  
Seconds  
Seconds  
Seconds  
No more time left to play  
Look up and see  
You've got nowhere to hide

**Shepard**

I'm exhausted but i needed to do this, to come here, to come back. If i'm going to die i'm gonna face it under the roof of the only home i've ever had.

Slowly, i made it to the front door, dragging huge luggage beside me. I opened the door with the key i had not used since i was 15.

Oh. Hi there.

_Who the hell are you three?_

**Penelope**

Shit. Shit. Shit.

**Simon**

We are all going to die. Or to jail.

**Baz**

I've finally managed to open my eyes. I immediately noticed Simon and Penny. Simon is... holding my hand? What?

**What?**

Penny looks like she might be sick. Everything's blurry. I'm still so tired. There's some dark skinned guy staring at us open mouthed. Yeah, i'd love an explanation, too.

**Simon**

"H- hi! I'm S-Simon. From Watford. You, you probably haven't heard of it, mmm, it's, well, we - "

Well, how my mother used to say, at least i'm trying.

**Baz**

I cannot listen to this, for the life of mine, i'm too weak.

"Reached new level of pathetic, haven't we?", I hear myself say.

It's a lie, of course. Nothing about Simon Snow could ever be pathetic.

**Simon**

Baz! Holy shit.

I'm still holding his hand. He wasn't supposed to know. He was never supposed to know i care. Now he's gonna use it against me. That's how it's always been with us. Pushing the button what hurts the most. What would he think if he knew the thing what hurts me the most is him?

Well, fuck.

**Shepard**

There's blond haired guy staring at me, red haired girl visibly panicking and tall, pale long haired guy who's clearly seen better days.

Put yourself together, Shep, you've been through worse, you can take teenagers. 

"Well, hello you too, i guess? I'm Shepard from Omaha, Nebraska". 

**Penny**

We can't trust him. I can feel it.  
There's something about him that worries me. 

Okay, deep breaths. You've got this.

"Penelope", i say, "please, call me Penny. We, well, we, my friend...my brother"

Merlin and Morgana, i'm blowing this up. So much for running away.

"He's in danger, and we aren't from this country, and we... please let us stay here for a while? Please?"

Yes, i will beg if I have to.

This day will go down in the history of Mages as the day Penelope Bunce had lost it.

**Shepard**

Well, that was embarrassing to say the least.  
Oh my, she's blushing.  
Okay, sure, whatever.  
Last adventure before i die, as a treat?  
Sue me, I haven't lived to my fullest yet.

"Okay, okay, calm down, Penelope, Penny with a friend and a brother. You are safe. You haven't got anyone here, right? So i'm gonna help you all. Just...keep your hands out of your hair while you still have any, yeah?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be angsty but then my emotional support comic relief Shepard appeared


	4. On top of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agatha is Going Through it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was inspired by So Schön Anders by Adel Tawil and Von Jetzt An by Luxuslärm

**Agatha**

Fiona Pitch is likely the most terrifying person i've met but somehow talking to her doesn't feel like danger. It feels like adventure, like freedom, wind and heartbeats.

"Now, shut up and listen. I need to help Baz. You need to help Simon. Doubt you care about anyone but him but it doesn't matter. What matters is Snow and Bunce2.0 have dragged themselves into this mess on their own account, are wanted by Coven for the treason and the idiots aren't even here to help themselves. So you will help me to help Baz and them since he's got a weak spot for the two. Nod once if understood. Do not open your mouth". 

I nod.

"I wouldn't have asked for your assistance but there aren't many people reckless enough to risk their life for wanted criminals, is there? Now, listen bloody carefully. What i need assistance with could ruin our reputation. There's a chance we will be kicked out of Magic community. But from what I've heard you aren't too fond of being mage in the first place, are you?"

She's right. I've never told this to anyone. She just took one glance at me and she knows. Looks like Fiona Pitch is not to be underestimated.

But she's wrong about one thing. I do care about people beside Simon. It's just, he has always needed me, especially after his mother's death. He was too close to breaking apart. I've become overprotective over him, i know. Had forgotten i was supposed to be his girlfriend, not a replacement to his mother.

But i do care about Penny and Baz, too. I also want to save them. There was the time we used to be close, the three of us. Fiona doesn't know. She wasn't around much. When Miss Pitch was still alive. Everyone was different back then. With her death, something had changed. I stopped feeling welcomed in their company. I couldn't share their grief with them. So I stopped trying to be friends. But i do care.

To be fair, sometimes i miss it. I miss feeling deep and strong connection to somebody the way i felt with them. I've never experienced anything like that with Simon. Love wasn't enough. Or maybe our love was wrong.

He texted me today. Said i shouldn't worry and that they have everything under control. Maybe thinking like that helps him sleep better, I don't know. Nothing is under any control. It's Chaos itself coming to life.

At first, I was surprised he got himself into so much trouble over Baz. They aren't mortal enemies of course but they've never really been friendly; Love for Penny being the only thing they had in common, so why bother? What made him act on an impulse and said impulse being risking everything for a boy he always said he hated?

But then he texted me that we should break up. And maybe, just maybe, things are starting to make sense. Maybe i couldn't recognise love right before my eyes because i didn't know what love looked like.

Hmm. I'm trying to remember his messages.

_Aggie, u know i love u right?_

_But Fuck_

_I'm sorry I do love you but only as a friend_

_I want to break up_

_There's someone else_

_I just_

_Please don't stop being my friend?_

That's what he wrote. He did say something about someone else, didn't he? I could be wrong about this but something tells me i'm not. I can only hope they both make it out of this one alive to sort everything out. They deserve to be happy.

Of course, I wrote him back that it's okay because it is. I was glad he doesn't need me anymore. And we both can be free.

I'm looking at Fiona now. She's got aura of freedom around herself. I wonder, has she ever been in love? Could she help me understand what it feels like? Or never being in love is the price of freedom?

* * *

5 hours later

To: Wellbelove girl

_Where tf are you? U r latte. 15 minutes left. Hurry_

To: Fiona Bitch

_Almost there_

* * *

**Fiona**

The hell are we even doing? For the Merlin's sake. I'm not sure two mages would be enough to perform the spell, this with Wellbelove being the wreak of a magician but it's not like i have a choice. We can't risk getting caught.

Bunch of fucking idiots is what our coven is. They are keeping Mitali in one of the most guarded prisons.

Morons.

After everything she's done for our community they've locked her in just because she did what any other mother would have done. And I'll never be able to repay her. Not only for letting them escape this time but for not falling apart when we all did and for the years she was there for Baz when i couldn't. 

**Mitali**

I've been throwning a spell after a spell to get out of here but nothing seems to work. I can't give up tho.

I can't.

I'm trying to stay put. But even if i do get out of here, what am i gonna do? I don't have a plan. I don't know what's going on in the outside world. Maybe we have already lost. Maybe no one just bothered to tell me.

But untill i know for sure, i must carry on spelling these walls thin. Spelling without a wand must not be possible. If anyone knew i could do that they would have spelled me silent. It wouldn't have helped them anyway tho. There's a lot of pretty useful spells for a mage to learn in The Book Of Dark. If anyone in the Coven finds it, count me dead.

But for now it doesn't matter.

**Fiona**

It's time to make a bloody noise.

**Agatha**

Fiona is moving as if she's untouchable. Like nothing could ever hurt her. It's contagious. Making me feel powerful and unstoppable.

We are making the way towards the prison. I should feel worried. Confused. I'm not.

Instead, i'm on the top of the world. Even if the operation failes, if we get killed or caught i won't regret anything. Maybe it's adrenaline making me jump out of the skin but i'm feeling like Me. And I don't ever want to forget the feeling.

" **And the walls fall down** ", we cast. The building is starting to shake. So we keep casting.

**Mitali**

Excuse me, i usually don't swear but Of fucking course. 

**Agatha**

Guards are running our way. They have wands pointed at us. We are about to lose but I don't care because we keep casting and casting and it feels so _good_ , like the energy of Itself is running through my veins, making my knees feel weak but i remain standing.

Magic has never felt like power to me. Untill now.

This spell is nothing like the ones we learnt at Watford. Right this moment, I am the Magic.

**Fiona**

The spell is working. Slowly, the building's starting to crash down. Piece by piece.

I let Wellbelove perform the spell alone while i'm busy knocking out the guards untill they are nothing but a bunch of unconscious trash. I turned my attention back to the matter of a prison and kept casting " **And the walls fall down** " untill there was nothing left to destroy.

As we finished, there were thousands of wild eyed people staring at us. I suddenly felt self - conscious of my appearance. Not my best moment granted it's been 84 years since i last slept.

Everyone's looking at me now like they are waiting for me to say something, to explain. I don't have anything to say. These are criminals. The people i might have helped to caught. Now i'm letting them a chance on freedom. Because nothing seems to matter anymore. They are free to go and start anew.

I tell them this much.

**Agatha**

What

Was

That

Feeling

**Mitali**

As the building started to shake, i knew exactly what was going on. There's only one person in the world of mages (besides my children) desperate enough to decide to attack the prison and I love her for it.

Thanks Morgana, the spell not only ruined what it was meant to ruin but also shielded everyone inside. Otherwise there would be nothing but dead bodies lying all over the field.

As it is, seems like we are going home. For now. We need to figure out a plan.

Oh. As the fog started to disperse and i could make out the faces, i saw it.

Fiona isn't alone. Can't believe she dragged _another one_ of my students into this.

Fiona, _honestly._


	5. Fake it till you make it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon loving Baz for whole chapter 😭

**Simon**

I have a secret. My secret's tall, pale, has long dark hair, his eyes are mix of deep blue with dark green and gray at the edges. He never laughs. He hates coffee. He's a vampire and I'm in love with him.

With Aggie everything was simple. We started dating at the beginning of fourth grade. Everyone in our group of friends kind of did, around the time (Except Baz; He never dated anyone; Neither did he have feelings; Well, that or he was too good at hiding stuff about his personal life).

Me and Aggie, we did just what everyone expected us to, held hands, kissed, cuddled. Out of necessity, because it seemed like the right thing to do. And it felt safe. There was no flame between us therefore we couldn't have been burnt.

Dare i say, we even were happy for about 2.5 years. Untill it was the middle of sixth year. Untill Baz came into the picture. Posh asshole ruined everything by stopping being just Baz Pitch, my annoying roommate, literature nerd with obsession for cleanliness. Sixth year was the year he became so much more.

Even tho he was still deadly annoying most of the time, i started longing for his company. His attention, him.  
Secretly, of course.  
I missed him when he wasn't around. Missed his voice, even his cruel jokes; i needed to feel his presence. There was always something reassuring about him. Like everything would be alright as long as I could keep an eye on him.

I'd spent days thinking _why_ of all people at Watford my heart decided to ache for him before i knew the answer.  
It is because we match.  
Like two broken pieces of a puzzle that never made sense untill came together.

I became eager to touch, to feel him like he was a gorgeous painting i needed to make sure was really there. But I couldn't just touch him, could I? So i went for a punch. And another one. And another one. He always fought back. Once i broke his nose. Despite it being healed by magic, I couldn't sleep for 3 days after that. As i closed my eyes, all i saw was his blood on my hands and his face scrunched up in pain. I couldn't stomach myself.

That's how i knew i was completely and utterly fucked.

Despite him being right assholeand insulting my every breath, despite him having push me down the stairs in fifth grade _(Not my fault you can't stand on your own legs properly, Snow),_ i fell in love with him. I can use that word now, love. Me and him. Against all odds.

Having realised i was attached to a boy wasn't an issue. Wasn't even a surprise. It didn't matter to me who it was i loved. Nearly dying a thousand of times had made my viewpoint quite simple. Love is love and people who get to find and keep it are the luckiest.

The issue was the boy was Baz. I thought he could never know about my stupid pointless crush otherwise i would never have heard the end of it. He'd be petty just like that.

Baz hated me because i was messy, stuttering mess of a magician. He told me as much. For some reason, he decided just because i couldn't control my magic, i didn't deserve a chance at learning how to control it at all and shouldn't have been allowed at Watford.

Which is simply ridiculous.

The thing about my magic, it's being controlled by emotions. It's not supposed to be like that. Everyone else's magic at school is different. (Or, well, _mine_ is different). Nothing, not even Watford's therapist could ever make me be completely in charge of what my magic's doing (which could be dangerous sometimes; As that one time i started fire in our bedroom; Thank Merlin, my magic kicked Baz out of the building first).

It hasn't been too bad lately tho. I've been getting better, been more in control.  
So fuck Baz, really. I deserve to be at Watford, deserve to learn more.

Ever since we first met, he never missed a chance to hurt me. If throwing insults was a sport he'd have all golden medals. But for some reason, Penny always loved him. And I loved her. So we got stuck together, the three of us, since we were eleven.

As the time went by, I got to see parts of Baz only Penny knew about. Not long after i had realised my feelings, we were assigned to work with a group of first years; we needed to make them feel welcomed and show what magic could do. Baz was great (of course he was, when wasn't he the best at everything just to spite me?). He played with the kids, listened to them, showed them few simple spells, made them _giggle_ , i swear. While i just stood there. Both grateful for him doing all the work himself and amazed at having discovered softer side of Baz, for the first time in nearly 6,5 years.

I also was freaking out just a bit because how many more unknown sides of Baz i was yet to find out about?! I didn't want him to change, all of the sudden, i didn't want him to be nice, didn't need more reasons to keep falling for him, i was already in too deep.

I tried to ignore it, my feelings. I'm quite good at it. Our Watford therapist must be fed up with me, i think.

In the seventh grade i started spending almost all of my free time with Agatha, thought it would help. But all it did is made my heart ache. Literally.

Agatha started feeling restless, too, i could tell. Torturing myself was my own business but I'd never want her to go through something that made her uncomfortable. So i broke us up, just recently. And to be honest, my worry over Baz had taken all the space in my head, it was in every part of my body; No space left for girlfriends, even good ones. Because some evil prick needed me even if he'd never admit it.

I'd cross every line for him. To make sure he's okay, not hurting anyone and no is hurting him.

I want to comfort him now. He looks so vulnerable and fragile, sitting on the floor in the corner of the room, while Penny and Shepard have taken the sofa to themselves.

Baz hasn't looked at anyone in what feels like forever. Been just sitting there, all alone, face hidden in his knees drawn to his chest, looking as pale a ghost since we explained what's happened. He looks so small.

I want to go there, want to comfort him, tell him i'm here and i'll never let anyone hurt him again. That i will protect him whatever happens next. 

I don't. I can't. There's something inside me, it's suffocating. It's stopping me from getting near him. I'm just standing in the middle of the room, trying to think of anything to say or to do.

Nothing came to mind so i decided to go over to the couch Penny and Shepard were actively discussing something on.

As i was sitting down, Penny and Shepard started to get up.  
Penny said something about going to the store and taking Shepard with her.

She gave Baz tight hug, whispered something to him and off with Shepard they went. 

"Bring scones!", I yelled as they closed the door.

So, it's just me and Baz now. 


	6. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing two chapters in one day means having good day 😭 Trigger warning: there's suicidal attempt, panic attack and self-loathing thoughts but nothing too heavy, idk, but take care everyone. 
> 
> If you don't feel like reading the chapter, description is in chapter notes

**Baz**

This is all my fault.

If it was possible to kill myself with a bare thought i'd go for it right now. I deserve it. My existences brings people nothing but pain and suffering. Everyone who ever cared for me are in danger. If it wasn't for my selfishness none of this would have happened. 

So much for having hope. 

I can't breathe. I should be dead. Should have died long ago. I'm a _mistake, mistake, mistake -_

My chest feels tight and I wonder would it be possible for me to die from heartbreak had i not already been dead freak. 

Probably no. But it feels like it, like dying. I am. The worst fucking feeling. 

I can't stop thinking about everyone who got hurt because of _me_. 

Fiona, Mitali, who didn't have to fight for me but did it anyway, even my father who's now dead. 

Penny and Simon. 

Two people I swore to protect. I'm the one bringing them down. 

I can't keep the tears inside any longer. 

_Simon._

I have put him into danger. His hero complex be damned. He always needs to save people, even if they unworthy. This is the boy i love. Simon, with his bronze curls and blue eyes. The boy who never stops fighting because for some reason believes in happy endings. The boy who's too good for me. Who would be the first to turn his back on me had he known how I feel about him. What i want to do to him. How often i imagine him telling me he cares for me, loves me, wants me and how this will never be true. 

Because monsters can't be loved, cared for or wanted. Monsters are supposed to go up in flames, to suffer, to die horrible death and to pay for the sin of having existed. I'm the monster. Just like my father always said. Like everyone is thinking now. Magical community wants me dead. As much as I appreciate the effort, it's pointless to fight. Best i can hope for is for Coven to forgive my loved ones. 

Everyone will realise this was the better option than for more destruction to come, for more people to fall. 

They can be saved, my family and Simon. No, it's not right. Simon is a part of my family. So one more reason to do it. 

I need to die so they can be saved. Need to kill myself before i'm killed by some vampire hunter. 

Dying. Maybe i can do one thing right in my undead life after all. 

Penny will be devastated. It's making me physically ill. But she will survive. And she will have a chance to live the life at its fullest.

Fiona will never forgive me. She'll probably spit on my grave. That is, if I even get to have one. Because Pitches don't kill themselves. She'll be so ashamed.

Hopefully, Mitali will understand. She knows what it's like having to chose. 

What will Simon feel, i wonder?

Probably relief of not having to share the space with me anymore. But deep down, i hope he'll be at least a little bit sad. 

I'm going to die, i want the boy i love to feel something about it, sue me. 

I'm looking at him now. Judging by the expression on his face i'd say he's thinking of something serious. 

I'm getting up, quite and slowly, careful not to disturb him and disappear out of the doors. But I can't go and die just like that. I need to tell him. _He_ needs to know. It's only fair. So I'm reaching for my phone and send him quick message before turning my phone off and pulling my wand out of the pocket. 

This is how I met my end. Hated and cold and alone and I can't stop shaking but I need to do it. 

**Simon**

Something's wrong. I got lost in my head, thinking of - well, everything. Then I felt my heart speed up all of the sudden. It's my magic acting up again. It's trying to tell me something. I'm reaching out for my phone which won't stop ringing letting me know I have one unread message. As I'm starting to read, my heart droops to my stomach. 

_I'm sorry, love._

_This is the only time i'm letting myself call you that. Now you know. I hope you will be okay without me. Of course you will. You are Simon Snow. Have a good life and take care of my Pen. Tell her this was the only way for everyone to come out of it unscratched._

_Always yours,_

_Baz_

As I take a look around all I can think of is _Baz Baz Baz Baz_. 

Baz isn't here. 

Without thinking I get up and start running. I won't stop untill i know he's safe. 

I feel magic storming out of me, bright red, like it's alive and it's moving, leading me somewhere, to _him_.

I'm an idiot. Biggest fucking moron alive. I should have known this would be his solution. Of course. He must be in a shook, who wouldn't be? I saw him there looking like death and I didn't even ask how he was doing because i let my fear and insecurities hold me back. Fuck. I should have been there for him, should have made sure he was okay. I should have held him and never let go. It's not too late. I just need to find him first. 

**Baz**

I'm in the backyard of the house we got stuck in. I don't really want to die alone, as fitting for me as it would be. Having Simon in the house makes me feel better. 

How should I do this? I could start a fire but I don't want Simon to die in the flames with me. 

Crowley, even dying must be difficult. 

There's the spell my mother used to off herself. This should work, i think. I'm still feeling rather weak but hopefully one little spark of fire will be enough.

**"Tiger, Tiger -**

I don't get to finish the sentence as Snow jumps at me from behind and knocks us both to the ground; 

Regret of sending him the message is hitting me hard. I didn't think he'd notice so soon. I failed. Again. I didn't want to make things difficult. 

He's thrown my wand away now. If it was anyone but him i'd start fighting for my dying right. But as I am tired, shaking, hungry for both food and blood, and so so weak for a boy pressing me down by the wrists, i keep lying not even lifting a finger. 

Maybe I get to have one happy moment in life before I go. 

"Baz".

His voice is sweet and soft but his grip on me hasn't lessened. 

I look him in the eyes. They are as blue as ever. Whole world could go in pieces but Simon's Snow eyes would never stop shining. 

"Baz, Baz, hey, how are you feeling?"

I want to laugh. Or to cry. He's so gentle. Why is he looking at me like that? Like he cares. But he's here, right? He's come for me. What if he does care? He can't, can he? No, he can't, not after how badly I've treated him all over the years. He's here because he's a hero of the story, not because of me. 

_Simon Snow, maybe you want to save my life but you are killing me all the same._

I'm not sure what is happening but too soon I start laughing, not able to stop, while there are tears all over my face. 

I can't hear properly, I feel like I'm underwater where no sound could reach but I still get a glimpse of Simon murmuring something and repeatedly saying _I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry._

He's grabbed me in his arms so we are sitting chest to chest with my face lying on his shoulder and fuck if it's not the best moment of my life. 

If only I could stop bloody laughing. But I can't stop. It's making me exhausted. 

"Baz, hey, you are okay, i promise, we are okay, we'll fix it together, okay? We love you. Please, let's find another way to help everyone, yeah? I'll protect you".

I'm glad vampires can't go into cardiac arrest. 

"Baz, listen. I need to cast a spell on you, is it okay? I know my magic is crazy sometimes so do you trust me?"

Always. 

I nod my head giving Snow permission to do whatever he thinks is right which shows just how out of it I am. 

I feel him reaching for his wand and pointing it at my head with one hand, another still holding me firmly by the waist while i've completely melted into him. 

I'm considering frozing the time just to stay like that with him for another moment but the spell is illegal, and my wand is metres away and I'm having a breakdown. 

**"Sweet dreams"** , Simon casts as everything goes dark. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Baz blames himself for everything what's happened and in order to save people he loves he tries to set himself on fire after leaving Simon suspicious message but Simon isn't having it, stops him and spells him to sleep cause Baz was having real breakdown


	7. Chapter 6, Simon POW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short bonus chapter with Simon taking care of Baz cause i'm weak for hurt/comfort

**Simon**

Here he is. Just a few metres away. I'm running on full speed, my magic making me unhumanly fast.

You aren't getting away from me this easily, Basilton.

He's holding his wand in right hand, i can hear him starting to cast **"Tiger, Tiger, Burning bright"** but i'll be damned if I let him finish it. He's halfway through the spell as I'm jumping at him from behind and throw his damned wand as far away as I can.

I never thought this would happen. Never thought I'd see unbreakable, untouchable Baz in the state of complete despair. My heart is breaking into pieces, again, for this boy. Oh Basile, look what you've done to me.

I have him under myself, making sure he won't try to move and get his wand back. He's cold, he's co cold that I can feel it even through my clothes. And he's shaking.

The sight of him makes me want to cry. I wish Penny was here, I'm so scared.

I need to get him to calm down but I doubt any words would help in his current state of mind. Even if so, I'm going to try anyway.

"Baz", I say, slowly and gently, as if talking to an injured animal. He's looking me straight in the eyes but he _doesn't see_ me. His eyes are empty. "Baz, Baz, hey, how are you feeling?"

I need him to say something, need to hear his voice again. _Baz, please, come back to me, Baz, I need you, please, please, dear, please, I'm right here._ But the words die down in my throat as he starts laughing. Or is he crying? There are definitely tears on his cheeks. Holy fuck. Baz, darling, hold on.

"I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, dear, Baz, can you hear me? Baz please look at me". I'm begging and bubbling but I don't care, all that matters is it seems like he's's struggling to breathe and his shaking's gotten much worse and I'm _terrified_.

I'm panicking so I've decided to lift him from cold grass and just hold him, chest to chest to maybe help me get his breathing under control but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm trying to talk to him again.

"Baz, hey, you are okay, i promise, we are okay, we'll fix it together, yeah? We love you". _I_ love you, but I can't tell you that, not when you are like that. "Please let's find another way to help everyone, yeah? I'll protect you". 

And I will. Even if I will have to fight every member of the Coven with bare hands, even if it'll be the last thing I do.

But for now, I need to protect him from himself. I don't know if we have any sedative medicine in the house so the magic will do. Except my magic is nuclear bomb on a good day let alone right now. But I'll try my best for Baz. I'm powerful. I'm in control. _I am the power itself._ I can do this. Deep breaths.

I need to make sure Baz is okay with this first tho, I won't do anything against his will as painful as it is for me to look at him like that.

"Baz, listen. I need to cast a spell on you, is it okay? I know my magic is crazy so do you trust me?"

He nods weakly. Shit. He doesn't even care I could accidentally hurt him with a spell. Shit, Basile.

Slowly I'm reaching for my wand, point at Baz's head and cast **S** **weet dreams** as Baz's body goes limp in my arms. I hope I haven't put him into coma.

Finally I get a second to breath for myself. This whole day was adventure enough for a lifetime. I never ever want to see Baz like that ever again.

He's sleeping peacefully now, as I take another look at him. We had changed position just before I casted him to sleep so now he's reclining on me, back to my chest, hands are intertwined with mine. I've put my head on his shoulder in a need to breathe him in because this day has been so so tiresome and I've nearly lost him. This silly boy. He loves to show off, to pretend he doesn't care but he does care, he cares so much. No wonder he did what he did today. But I'll show him there's another way. This is not the end yet. One crisis at a time.

For now my main concern is to get Baz into a bed and make sure he gets to rest for as long as he needs to. So I'm asking my magic for one more favour. I need extra strength. As I'm taking Baz into my arms bridal style, magic making me feel stronger than ever, I wonder how fascinating it is that my magic never lets me down as long as Baz is involved.

With him in my arms, we are making way to the second floor of the building where (I think) bedroom was. I can't take my eyes off him. He's pale, too pale for my liking but he's not freezing anymore so that's relief. His hair's swaying loosely around his face and it's making me blush. No one should be this gorgeous. Have I always had a thing for hair or is it Baz's hair in particular driving me insane? I'll have to think about it later.

As we keep walking, Baz starts saying something. I lean closer to him to try to make out what it is. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it's my name. Oh. But there's something else. _Oh._

  
Someday I'll show you I love you, too, Baz.

I open the door to the bedroom with my foot and gently place the boy in my arms on the bed too big for one person. After taking his shoes off for him, I grab some old blankets from the closet, lie in the bed right beside him and cover both of us.

It's too early to sleep yet, especially by my standards but I'm not leaving him alone. Besides, I could use some rest, too. I reach for my phone and send quick text to Penny letting her know we are upstairs and asking them to be quite when they with Shepard get back. I chose to explain everything later in person otherwise she'd just freak out.

For now everything is quite, only sound in the room is Baz's steady breathing.

It's easy to pretend that we get to just be like that, just sleeping together, two boys, not having bunch of angry mages after our heads. Yeah, I'd like that.

This very moment is the moment I get to have my adorable vampire disaster right where I want him (and apparently he loves me back now??? I mean, he did say so himself in his dream and he called me Love in his goodbye message? I'm not making this up, right?); and this is heaven.


	8. What keeps us going

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short but important part of the story

**Natasha**

I'm looking for you, sweetheart. I know you are out there. Wait for me. I'm coming.

**Nico**

It's her, it has always been her.

**Natasha**

Now, listen. I never wanted to go. What you know is all fake, it's the lie he made known. There was a villian and now he's gone.

**Nico**

I thought I'd never get to have a happy ending. Thought I'd lost everything.  
But then I got asked for help. This was my chance to become something I hadn't been for a long time. Useful, that is.

**Natasha**

He killed me. He let the vampires into Watford. They took away my Baz and bite him. My baby. While I was helpless, couldn't do anything but watch. Then he came and set me on fire, after I was turned. He convinced everyone I did it myself.

My baby thinks I've left him on purpose. 

**Nico**

Not a day goes by without me thinking of her. She wasn't just the only one. She was everything. Untill I ruined it.

**Natasha**

I had always known he was an asshole. But I didn't think he'd go for a killing. He died with my blood on his hands. 

**Nico**

That was the first time I drank human's blood. I had never felt better, more alive, more powerful. For a moment, it felt like maybe this, drinking human's blood, would be worth every sacrifice I had made; The feeling quickly faded.

**Natasha**

I never make the same mistake twice. He had already hurt my family, by killing me. I wouldn't have let him hurt them more. Malcom Grimm needed to be taken out of the picture after what he was about to do. 

**Nico**

She is the night sky, dark and mysterious. In her glory, she's unstoppable. She makes your heart falter.

That is the mistake I thought I would never be able to fix. Because I've turned my back on her. No one forced me to. I let her go.

**Natasha**

I couldn't do it on my own. I needed physical body to stay here for a while. Not any body. The body needed to have magic in it. The body needed to be willing to help.

**Nico**

So when her dead sister came back and asked for help, there wasn't a choice at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The mistery is solved 😝


	9. Superior character

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny's become aggressive, rip 😔

**Shepard**

Walking hurts. Breathing hurts. Everything does. This is all my fault, of course. Can't even be mad at anyone. Except myself. Which I am. Now my soul is stuck somewhere in hell. While my body is here. You see the issue I'm dealing with here.

I came back to California to die in the house I was born in. Not to meet new people. Especially not the pretty ones. And by that I mean Penny. Not that the boys weren't pretty but they weren't Penelope Bunce level of attractiveness. If I had to describe her, I'd said she's earthquake. Powerful, magnificent, unnerving, dangerous. And I've known her for less than a day.

Why did I have to meet her at my deathbed? Guess life a joke after all.

I'm sure Mr. Demon would appreciate the irony (I'm calling him Mr. Demon because his name is boring, and I've got nothing to lose, now that my soul is gone; And well, he _is_ a demon after all).

Here's what happened.

I used a spell from my mother's book, The Book Of Undead. I'm no magician, no one in my family is (the book just belongs to my family because some old relative of ours had stolen it from a member of Old families ages ago) but the spell wasn't meant for one either. It's a simple summoning spell any breathing thing with a soul could perform.

The demon came for me, of course. I didn't want anything to do with it, I just had one simple request. Walk to hell and back. Because I was looking for someone. And I was damn sure the Someone would refuse going to heaven.

I asked Mr. Demon if he could do this for me, let me pass the gates and help to come back safely. Yes, yes, sure, the thing said. And look how well it's turned out.

Demonds can't lie. But they can very well trick you by not saying half of the truth. The truth being no soul once entered is allowed to leave.

I'm doomed.

What a pathetic way to die, really. Forever spent in hell, _without_ the Someone I was looking for, _and_ without a chance to feel Penelope's presence right beside me ever again.

Well, that's new. I like her. Without knowing much, I just like having her around. Like getting to know her. It's about the vibes, bright, and shiny vibes she radiates. She makes me feel _hope_ despite being in completely hopeless situation.

But I don't wanna think about it now, about the day my heart stops and hell greets me with arms thrown open. If I get to have some good time now, I'm gonna make the most out of it.

"So", I find myself saying, "tell me more about yourself". 

"I already did, didn't I?"

No, you didn't.

"You said your name and where you are from. You've talked about people you love and your suicidal reasons to be here. But did you really talk that much about _yourself? No,_ I don't think so". 

**Penny**

God lord he is annoying.

**Shepard**

She looks like anime character about to explode. Huh.

Oh, now she's blushing. Is it because of me? I hope it is because of me.

"Fiiiine, - she's breathing out. - What do you want to know, Mycroft?"

"A?"

"Sherlock's brother? The most boring tv character to ever exist?"

"You mean superior character in all of Sherlock? Oh my, I'm fla-tte-red". 

Now I'm the one blushing while we are arguing over fiction characters. This is going great, really. The date of a lifetime. Except it's not a date (but a boy can dream).

 _Oh. Christ, Motherfuck_ \- Did she just _punch_ me? Stand still. Nothing hurts. You don't feel anything. There's no pain, Shepard, just stay _still_.

I'm falling to my knees because Penelope Bunce just punched dying man in the stomach.

It wasn't a hard hit, just joking gesture but it was enough to knock the air out of me.

**Penelope**

Did I really hit him so hard?!?! Working out must be finally paying off.

**Shepard**

She's kneeling beside me.

"Hey, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

There's no universe in which I'm okay but sure. I nod my head in agreement letting her know that I am, in fact, absolutely fine.

"Here, let me help you", she's taking me by an arm and helping me to get up. Together we manage to place me into standing position.

**Penelope**

I shouldn't be thinking about this but he smells really nice. I'm sure it's not the scent of perfume or shampoo, it's _him_. And the scent feels familiar.

"Here, you can lean on me if you'll feel weak".

I blame myself for the hit. It's not like me to hurt people. I should know better. But it's Shepard, and I don't know him, and he's making me want to do things I never wanted to do. Like touching something. Someone. Him??? No, no. But It wasn't a hit!!!!!!! What the hell. There must be something off with him. Or he was just kidding me.

There's hurricane in my head. I can't think straight. I'll think about it after we've come back home. And after having decent sleep. I haven't had one in days.

"So?"  
"So what?"  
"So are you going to tell me anything about yourself or was I punched for nothing?"

I guess this is going to be a long walk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penny's favourite Sherlock character, of course, is Sherlock himself. 
> 
> Simon loves John. 
> 
> Baz is Mrs Hudson stan first, Johnlock stan second. 
> 
> Fiona is team Moriarty.


	10. The truth is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love doesn't end well, we move on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How sad, isn't it

**Agatha**

"Yes".

"No".

"Yes".

"Agatha, NO". 

"Enough, you two, bloody nightmares, you are giving me a  
headache". 

"Shut up, Fi, and drink your tequila in peace. Or better not drink and sober up. How you can think that _now_ is appropriate time to get drunk is a mistery to me".

"Firstly, if there was any time to get smashed, it's now. Secondly, I enjoy getting drunk. Live long enough and you'll get it".

"I'm older than you".

"Annoying is what you are".

"And you are reckless mess".

"At least I wasn't the one who needed help getting out of a prison. You are welcome, by the way. Cheers", she's taking huge sip of a bottle.

"Fiona, we need to _think_. And", she's looking at me tiredly, "Agatha needs to go home, hide and forget today even happened".

As if it was that easy. As if I could forget the way the spell made me feel. _Powerful_. _Hungry_. I need more. I need to know what it was and how to feel it again. No way I'm going home. Besides, I still need to help my friends. So I'm staying.

Mitali could have kicked me out with a simple spell but I'm still here which makes me think she knows we need as many people on our side as we can get.

 _"And you_ need to take a sip of this, - she's holding out the bottle to Mitali", and listen to me.

Looks like our headmistress is way more down than I thought she was. She did just what Fiona told her to.

"Now", Fiona continues, "who would have a reason to kill Malcom? And don't say everyone".

"Everyone".

Wow, if looks could kill Fiona's stare would have us all strangled.

"Even _you", Mitali_ adds _._

 _Grown ups,_ I swear.

They are missing out on the only lead we have. The killer was a vampire. That's why we are doing all of this. To get Baz off the list of suspects. I tell them so.

"The girl is right, see? I did us right by bringing her along".

"You were being irresponsible, yet _again - "_

"ENOUGH". 

Really, enough.

"So, what are we going to do?" I'm asking as I'm trying to make them to come up with a plane. "We can't waste any more time on a fighting. Think of a damn something", I add.

"Okay. So, vampires? So we are going to go to the vampires then. And find out what happened", Fiona says with a glimpse of sadness crossing her face.

For a moment, I'm filled with excitement of a promise of future adventure.

"Are we going to _fight_ them?!", I even sound excited, I can't help it. I need to _feel_ this, whatever it was, again.

"No. We are going to talk. Or try to. I know just a place. You two stay here and think of what to do if vampire lead goes nowhere. Maybe we could come back in the time and catch the killer. After they've finished with Malcom, of course", Fiona's winking.

"I'm so, so done with you and your jokes, Fi", Mitali's rolling her eyes and sighing. "But listen, there are other ways. You don't have to go. It's fine.

Does Mitali have _soft_ expression on her face?

"No, I'll go. It's for Baz. And don't worry, I will survive. I've fought worse".

With that, she's taking another sip of tequila, making a face and sighing. Being dramatic must be in Pitch's blood.

As soon as Fiona's out of the flat, me and Mitali, who seems to have given up on trying to send me home, summon a chalkboard and start writing down What We Known and What We Don't Know in two different columns.

**Fiona**

This sucks. It's been a long time without seeing him. I shouldn't care. He has betrayed me, the fucker. The bastard has chosen this life. He knew he would have to leave everything behind if he was to be turned. Everything including me, _us_ , even his sister. He did it anyway, he got turned, because he wanted to. Because apparently there were more important things to him than his family.

Nico honestly deserves to die. Yet I could never bring myself to finish him off.

I know sometimes he's meeting up with Ebb. I should have told the Coven but I didn't. Ebb misses him. So I let her have him. I hate it. I hate him. I hate her. I hate that Fiona-Nico-Ebb have turned into Nico-Ebb.

_Hate hate hate hate._

I hate missing him and being not allowed to see him. I hate knowing what it feels like being loved by Nico Petty. Like you are his everything. The way his touch would make you believe it true. And more than anything I hate that him choosing to leave me meant he had grown out of love.

None of the years we have spent side by side, the three of us, matter anymore. It's each on their own. No one's supposed to _miss_ anyone _._ But Ebb does. So do I. But I _can't_. So I act as if I don't.

We haven't seen each other for years. Now I'm going to confront him about the vampire attack. Nothing personal. I'm on a mission. Just get in, get information and get out.  
I wish were was another vampire I could ask but I'm vampire hunter, I don't go around making friends with them; i make them cry, scream and burn. For everything they represent, everything took away from me. And for Natasha.

So, I open the door to the club I know Nico is a part of and start looking for him.

Everyone's staring at me. Of course, vampire hunter in a vampire club is always good news.

"I'm not here for you, get back to having good time!", I'm yelling. "I'm just here to see a friend of mine". 

_A friend. As if._

This seems to reassure them a little as they are starting to look away.

He's just where I thought he would be. Sitting on a sofa, in a darkest corner of the room, smoking - _the flammable moron_ \- and staring at nothing in particular. Daydreaming again. Some things never change and Nico is one of them.

Some fine years later, he still looks just how I remember him.  
Because vampires don't age. Right. I'm the one who's changed. The one who's closer to being old and needing help. Not him. Never Nico. Never the perfect asshole that he is.

As he had noticed me, the expression on his face changed from blank to horrified one.  
It's been too long. I imagine he thinks I've finally come to destroy him. Just like I promised him I would.

**Nico**

I need to tell her. For Natasha. Will Fi be pissed because she hasn't been visited? Or worse. What if she doesn't believe me? Will she kill me then? For bringing down Natasha's name. I wouldn't put it past Fiona Pitch. But I need her to _know_ , to understand.

Her sister has revenged herself. And saved everyone from a disaster that was Malcom Grimm. Natasha did well. We weren't close while we she was still alive and now I regret it. I wish we had another chance to get to know each other better.  
  
Murdering magicians is against the law. Especially if it's a member of The Old Families. Especially if you a vampire. I will be dead if anyone finds out that we did. But if someone has to be held responsible, It'll be me. I have decided so. Besides, you can't exactly charge ghosts.

For now, tho, I can't bring myself to move a muscle. Fi is here, looking at me like she doesn't care, like it doesn't hurt her being here the way it hurts me to see her again. But I know that expression on her face way too well. She wore it after she had gotten into a fight with her first vampire; She had lost, the creature had run off; I was there, casting healing spells on her. But there was nothing I could do for her dignity.

It seems she still loves looking untouchable, uncaring. She isn't. I've seen her soft side, so many times. Our gentle, quiet mornings, and passionate, loud evenings. I couldn't never forget them. It's the moments like these that make life worth of living.

She was _livid_ after she had found out about my intentions on being turned. _Have you completely lost your fucking mind, don't you dare even to think about it or I will kill you myself, I will kill you, You have my word -_  
She did care then and she cares now.

God. The way I've missed her. I feel like I can finally breathe again after having to live without oxygen for so long yet being unable to suffocate.

She's still looking at me, challenging me to make the first move. Neither of us is saying anything. She's giving me control.

Now, It's the time for the truth.


	11. Let me love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz wants Simon to be safe, Simon wants food

**Simon**

Penny and Shepard were quiet last night just how I asked them to. We've slept through the night peacefully. The problems began as soon as Baz had woken up. He saw me in the bed with him, holding him, and freaked out. I wish he didn't. I wish it would be normal for us. Holding each other, not arguing. I'm sick of fighting. But it's all we've been doing today (it's almost dinner time; I'm hungry. But hunger doesn't matter right now).

"I'M NOT LEAVING YOU, JUST SHUP UP, CAN YOU?"

Great. Now I'm yelling. But I need him to understand this simple truth. The truth being he's got me. I get his frustration, I do. It's no easy to accept help from someone you've spent your whole life fighting against.

So, I'm trying to yell my truth into him. To make him see he's worth every battle we will have to fight, lost or won.

Why can't he just let me love him? Not that he knows that I love him. I can't tell him yet. I don't want to double the mess we are already in. But I know that he loves me. Or likes me, at the very least, judging by his sleepy confession (we are yet to talk about it).

Simply knowing he's got feelings for me is all I need to know to stay.

**Baz**

_Crowley_. Why is he so _stubborn_. I'm very well aware of what I've done but this act of self sacrifice was, and still is, necessary.

I know of all the troubles i've caused people. Why can't he let me fix it by freeing himself from me and letting me go?!

Honestly, Simon Snow is going to be the end of the disaster that is my life, watch him. Because he's ridiculous, because this boy is a thunderstorm that never stops coming. Because he's my horrible roommate I've been annoying on purpose since the day we met. Because for some reason, he was always there, right beside me, everyday of our lives since we were eleven years old.

But right now, it's dangerous. And he refuses to leave and surrender to the Coven. The bloody numpty. Coven would have forgiven him had he gone now. But no. We must be bloody difficult.

I let him save my life once, and now what? What more does he want from me? For me to confess my undying love to him? Because I can do just that.

Simon. _Simon_. I need him gone. I need him to save _himself_ , not me. Why is he even trying? Why is he here? Why does he act like he cares? I hate him, the imbecile.

I wish we could stop fighting and run away somewhere far away. Maybe take Penny with us. I think I'd miss her annoying presence. But it's not possible. The world's not kind enough. There's no happy endings for creatures like me. Simon needs to realise this, the sooner the better.

"Leave me alone, Snow. I don't want you here".

"Well, congratulations, because I'm NOT leaving!"

"Are you seriously that daft? You are bloody disaster of a human being. What can you do, anyway, huh? You are shitty magician, Snow, you bring nothing into our lives if not a destruction". Right, low blow, keep going. "I don't need your help, I don't want anything from you. GET. LOST. And save me the trouble from having to face you any longer, it's exhausting".

Lying to him has become as easy as breathing. I've been doing it for years. I've become professor in the art of being an asshole. It pains me to say that now tho. Much more than it used to. Because after knowing what it feels like to be cared for by Simon Snow, it's impossible not to want to feel this much love again. After last night, after the way he was holding me, after allowing myself to break in front of him, after he rescued me, keeping distance is the worst.

I'm digging my own grave because pushing Simon away is killing me. But I had to do it. There's only one thing I want more than for Snow to love me. It's for him to be safe.

**Simon**

Do I kiss him or do I punch him? Could I do both?  
Slamming the door and standing outside the room is what I do. I'm not leaving him but I need a second to breath before I do something we will both regret.

**Baz**

Well. He left. He really left. Right. Just like I told him to. Good. He'll realise he's better off without me, maybe he's halfway there already.

Everyone would be better off without me, honestly. But If Simon said there's another way out, I want to believe him. So I'm making myself believe it. Little leap of faith for one tired vampire can't hurt anyone.

And with that, I do what I've wanted to do for so long. I slide down the wall and start silently crying.

**Simon**

Baz's crying. I can hear it through the door I'm currently leaning on. Christ. What do I do? Should I give him privacy or should I go check on him? I'm lost. I _want_ to go there and comfort him. But is it what he needs right now? Does he need me? He's made it clear he doesn't want to see me. So I decide to give him the time alone. Crying is healthy. He'll feel better after.

**Baz**

Now that I've started crying I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. I wish Simon were here. But I've pushed him away. I'm all alone. Just like I deserve.

**Simon**

Fuck you, Baz. Fuck you for making me leave and for not having realised that you are the light of my life. My sun. Or, if I'm your sun, you can be my moon. Be my everything, Baz.

**Baz**

I'm so tired. Of everything. I want to talk to Fiona but my phone is dead. I miss mother. I wish she visited me here. But I haven't heard of her since Mitali told me she had visited her. No, my own mother decided she doesn't want to see me. No, it doesn't hurt. Yes, I'm fine. Fine. Perfect.

Mitali. I miss her, too. Even Daphne with kids. I wonder, how are they? Now that father's gone. Maybe, if I never came out, then my family would still be okay.

**Simon**

Listening to someone cry has never hurt _that_ bad. But he's not just someone. He's the boy, emotional, vampire teenage boy who loves ridiculous clothes and depressing books written by already dead people. He's the boy who holds my heart in his hands and doesn't have a clue. I'll tell him as soon as this is all over.

Now, when this will be over is another sad topic for a discussion. I can think of only one solution. Baz's gonna hate it, i can feel another one of our quarrel coming. We must leave magic behind, run and hide Baz in normal world for the rest of our lives. Even if It means goodbye to being a mage, goodbye to Watford. Goodbye to everything I knew. I'd do it for him, for Baz. Go away with him as far away as we can manage, not looking back. But only if he lets me in first.

**Baz**

Tears are starting to stop. Finally. At the end of the day, I'm glad Snow wasn't here. He needs to think I'm strong, he needs to believe I can manage on my own. Otherwise he'd never be ready to let me go because this is who he is.

Simon, love, you need to find another damsel in distress. This one is broken.

**Simon**

I can tell he's calmed down. No sound is coming out of the room. I open it just slightly to see him sitting on the floor, again. It seems to be his favourite spot in the house.

He's curled up on himself, eyes closed, breathing deep. What a lovely sight. He's fine looking bloke; outstanding, even, with his long slender fingers, pale skin, thin figure and long dark hair I played with just last night. It's soft to the touch. Much softer than one could think. He's gorgeous, no match to me and the asshole doesn't even realise it. Hey, department of the beauty, this is unfair!

Baz, will you allow yourself to be loved? I promise to be here whenever you need me.  
I'm not saying anything out loud.

I get in the room, silently, not to disturb him. But he must have noticed, he's a vampire after all. He's looking at me now.  
Is it _relief_ written on his face? Oh, Baz, oh dear. Me too.

I sit next to him on the floor, shoulder to shoulder.

"I'm sorry", he says, so low it feels like a whisper.

"I was here, you know? I've never left, i was just outside the door, pissed at you, but i never left and not starting now".

"You should."

"You are so hard to be around, you know that?"

"Doing my best", he chuckled.

"Baz", i've turned so I'm facing him now, "I need you to know. I'm not here because of Penny. I'm not here because I'm some kind of a freak of superhero with incredible power. I'm here, right now, on the cold floor, hungry as I have never been before and you are the reason. You, Baz. My annoying roommate of so many years spent together. Okay?"

"Okay", he breathes, and I hope he believes it.

"So please, don't ever do what you were trying to do ever again".

"I don't know what's gotten into me, I'm sorry".

"Don't be sorry, just don't do this again, promise? Seeing this, you there, with wand in you hand, it was beyond terrifying. You have no idea."

"I've seen you injured so many times. I think I know what you mean". I'm giving him one-armed hug over his shoulder.

"I'm staying with you, I promise. So please, promise you will stay with me, too". 

He's no saying anything which makes me a little but uncomfortable. 

"I can't promise you this, Snow, but I promise that I'll try to come back to Penny and you, always. Deal?"

"Deal. Now, what about dinner?"

"Yeah, let's go but we need to find Penny and Shepard first".

With that, we get up and close the door behind us as we go. I'm trying not to think of aching feeling in my stomach. Must be just hunger. 


	12. They Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here i'm shitting on long distance relationship + TW blood, death of animals

**Penelope**

I've never been kissed. Neither have I kissed anyone. I used to have a boyfriend but it was long - distance relationship which didn't leave us much space for physical affection. All it did was double loneliness. Ending things between us was the best decision I've ever made. Better not to have anyone than have the idea of a relationship instead of real thing. 

Sometimes, i wonder, do I miss out on many things in life by being alone? My parents get along just fine but I don't think they love each other the way parents are supposed to. They are like best friends who found it more comfortable to live together. Then there's Simon and Agatha. They've never been an example of couple's goals. No spark, nothing. I couldn't even understand why they were dating at all;

I never longed for anything. My family of idiots, my real and chosen one, was all I ever needed or so I told myself. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe there's whole new level of wanting someone. Maybe I feel it now. The pull, one familiar to what we felt when Crucible paired us with roommates.

Except there's no magic this time. I feel it in the raising of my heartbeat, in the way my blood freezes wherever he says my name. It's dangerous, for so many reasons. For example, he's a Normal. Mother would chop my head off.

Why do I even like him? He's not funny and thinks way too much of himself. Better not to consider this is my type. 

Anyway, I've known him for less than a day. He's a stranger. This is ridiculous. 

And yet. 

**Shepard**

What is she doing? 

**Penny**

What am I doing? 

**Shepard**

She's leaning closer. 

**Penny**

I think I'm about to kiss him. 

**Shepard**

Is she going to kiss me? 

**Penny**

I don't know if it's the right thing to do but it is what I feel like doing and he doesn't seem to mind. Actually, I think he's trying to close the distance as well. 

**Shepard**

Three facts about Penelope Bunce I've just found out: she's coffee kind of person (because this is what our first kiss feels like), sometimes she acts on impulse and she's warm, so so warm. 

**Penelope**

Okay, I get it now. Kissing feels like being broken and pulled together at the same time. It's feeling wanted and special. It's great. I think I could get used to this. Not with Shepard tho. We don't belong together. He's just a Normal. But he makes an excellent kisser. 

**Shepard**

There's the sound of a door being opened. Of course. About the time to get interrupted. 

**Simon**

Well. 

**Baz**

What a sight to behold, truly. 

"I'm gonna have to ask you a favour of getting your tongue out of my sister's mouth as I need her to be able to speak properly". 

**Penny**

This is going to be number two on my The Most Embarrassing Things That Happened To Me list. Number one is Simon walking in on me while I was peeing (yes, I forgot to close the door). 

I let go of Shepard and turn to face Baz. I'll have to explain to him that it didn't mean anything. I'd never like a Normal. It's only physical. 

As I open mouth to say something, we hear horrible scream from somewhere outside of the house and immediately rush there to the sound of someone being in pain; Simon with his sword already in a hand, Baz and me following close behind, wands at ready. Shepard followed but kept his distance as if was expecting an attack at any moment. 

What is waiting for us outside is a bunch of dead animals. Bats, wolves, dogs, foxes and blood, there's so much blood.

I close my eyes and try and regain composure. 

Simon sits on the ground and - 

He's throwning up. Shepard looks pale and still but not shocked. And Baz - he looks _starving_. 

**Baz**

I haven't had blood in two days. I can't look at it, _I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't -_

**Penny**

My heart's breaking at the sight. Baz failed to his knees, took one look at a dead rabbit and started crying. Then, he suck his teeth into its little body and suck it dry. After that, he took the body lying next to it and drank it, too. And so on, and so on until there was no blood for him to drink. 

**Shepard**

They know there's a vampire under my roof. They always know. Demons will be coming. 


	13. Of all the things you've lost you miss your heart the most

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lightly described sex scene in the middle of the chapter (in case it's making some of you uncomfortable)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter name is from a song "The unknown" by Madeline Juno

**Agatha**

I was used to feeling empty. Not alive. Being no one. The taste of my own magic was disgusting to me, its nature felt alien. There was a void in the course of my existence. Until there wasn't. 

As Fiona had left us to go to try to negotiate with vampires, me and Mitali were left alone. Perhaps now was the time to ask her. 

"Miss," I started," When we were trying to help you -

"You did what Fiona made you do, don't worry about it; I don't blame you, I was just trying to protect you by saying you should go home".

"No, I mean yes, thank you miss, but that's not what I was going to ask". 

"Okay", she said attentively. 

"I don't know how to start explaining". 

"Try with the beginning". 

"When we were there, we used magic to bring the building down but this time magic didn't feel the way it usually did. This time it felt like -"

"Like power? Like it was overwhelming?" She whispered.

"Yes. And I can't stop thinking about it now. Can't stop reliving the moment in my head. Can you tell me what happened there? I figured you might know something". 

She sighed. 

"There's a reason forbidden spells are forbidden". 

"You mean Fiona used dark magic?"

I guess I'm not surprised after all. Mitali sighed once more. 

"Dark magic is the only magic Fiona uses. It's not always been like that. But Fiona went through hard times. After Natasha's death. And she found it was easier to hold pieces of her old self together if she could constantly feel what you described you felt. I use it, too. Dark magic could be...useful sometimes. But you shouldn't. Fiona shouldn't have dragged you into this, I'm sorry". 

"Are you two out of your mind? You are talking about it as if it's not a big deal. Not even afraid giving me so much information about yourself I could easily use against you?"

"Firstly, the world's ending, secondly, you won't remember any of if in the morning. As I said, the dark magic could be quite useful". 

With that, she's reaching for Fiona's wand she had left us for self-defense. 

"I'm doing this for you, okay? I'm sorry but once your soul touches the Dark, there's only one solution. It is to erase absolutely all memories of magic and Watford. They'll be replaced by new created memories of Normal world". 

Oh. This is what Fiona was warning me about.

"What about you and Fiona?"

"We've chosen this path. You didn't. It was forced upon you without you having the knowledge". 

"I'm in, okay? I want this. I never wanted magic but I do now. Please, don't take it away from me. Please". 

"I'm sorry, Agatha. Forgive me". 

She's pointing her wand at my forehead. 

**"All the memories we cherish** ," she's casting, " **shall fade away** ".

I feel my eyelids close, tiredness finally getting to me as I fall asleep, torso on the desk we had been working on. 

**Fiona**

I want to believe Nico. We are sitting outside of the club, looking at the passengers passing by. It's nice and quiet. The way I haven't felt for such a long time. 

He just told me he killed Malcom while being possessed by my dead sister. What do I even say to that? I don't know. So I don't say anything. If it's true, Natasha is here somewhere, doing Crowley knows what while ignoring me trying to save the day. And that is too much for me right now. I need to do something. I don't want to think about it, about anything. I want a break. So the break is what I'm getting. 

I'm turning to face Nico, get a grab of his shoulders and kiss him. He's returning the kiss immediately as if he was expecting it. It feels just like old times. It feels like us, like it's natural. 

"Not here," he's murmuring against my lips as he starts leading the way to the one of the rooms in the back of the bar.

Inside, the two become one.

He's placing kisses all over my body, the places only he has ever kissed. Because he's Nico, my first love and the pain of my being. 

Heart to heart, hot breathe against my cheek. We aren't kissing now. We are standing nose to nose, breathing each other in. For once, I'm _feeling_. I'm me. Old me I used to be. There are tears running down my face but I don't care. I kiss him, hard. He's kissing me harder. 

Maybe it's a good thing Coven has turned they back on me. Maybe I should have turned my back on them long time ago. If this is what I get for being a traitor, count me in. 

We would have spent so much time together had it not been for the Coven and its fucking dumb rules. So much time we've lost and can't ever get back. 

But maybe it's all stupid. Maybe all there is, is tonight and stress release sex. Maybe we are only trying to become the versions of ourselves we once were. 

I don't know. What I do know is my body has waited for him all these years of being separated. 

I will have to say goodbye to him one day, I know. Coven or not. Because that's how the story goes. People die and vampires move on. 

But not today. Today I'm ripping his shirt off, getting on top of him and letting myself forget about everything because Nico is right here, working with his hands and lips to make me feel alive. And I'm returning the favour. 

**Agatha**

I wake up with my parents crying, sitting on the edge of my bed. We are in my room, at home. It was an accident, they said. I'm not guilty, they said. 

Guilty of what? 

**Mitali**

I'll never forgive myself. But it had to be done. 

**Agatha**

My parents are convinced I was a part of some group of magic terrorists. 

_Magic?!_

But it's okay now, they said. According to them, I won't be charged due to not being eighteen years old and not having killed anyone. 

They are still crying. 

God. 

I need to get them help. They've gone mad. 


	14. Mutual understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what important, in the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for suicidal thoughts, i guess?

**Penny**

Simon and Shepard are having time of their lives. And by that i mean they are trying to cook something. Together. So, in another words, they are arguing. Arguing over what to cook and how to cook it exactly. Even tho I told them to just make pineapple pizza. But they are stubborn and don't have a taste.

Simon usually is the one in charge of food (even in any unusual circumstances) but it's Shepard's home (or, well, his mother's home) and he said he wouldn't eat anything cooked by a stranger.

"You were snogging my best friend just moments ago and now you call us _strangers_?"

They are both being so loud in the kitchen, I don't even have to eavesdrop.

"Well, mister. First of all, I didn't kiss _you_ , did I? Second of all, you _are_ strangers, all of you. Kissing doesn't make me Penny's friend, or yours for that matter; kissing's just, it was nice. You should try it".  
"You suggest?"

Fuck me, honestly. I'm so tired and Baz, sitting with me on the couch of living room, looks absolutely wrecked.

"They are idiots, aren't they?" I ask, as the boys are starting to get on my nerves. I just want to eat my pizza in peace. But I get the feeling my pizza will have to wait to be cooked.  
"You kissed one of these idiots and been friends with another one for years; The bar is low, Bunce, so low".

I lower my head on his shoulder.

"So, what was that kiss? Do elaborate".  
"Nothing" I whisper. "He was just there, and you know, I thought, why _can't_ I kiss him? Why do we have to have a reason to _do_ something instead of having a reason to _not_ do it? I didn't have a reason not to kiss him. So I did. There's that".  
"And you don't have feelings for him? Not at all? Not that I'd be surprised. I didn't take you for being-crazy-in-love-at-first-sight kind of girl".  
"Maybe. But you know who I loved at first sight? And still love?"  
"Hmm?"  
"You, Baz. I loved you the moment I saw you and I love you still. So please, please, don't leave me".  
There are tears on my cheeks that I hope Baz won't notice.  
"I love you too, Bunce. Sorry for worrying you".  
"Don't be sorry. I understand. I would have tried to do the same. For you and Simon. If I thought it would help. Protecting each other is what we are here for, right?"

Baz chuckles and hugs me tigher.

"Now, should _I_ be the one to worry?"  
"Oh, drop it" I say, "You've gotten enough on your own plate".  
"Penelope" he's turned to look me into the eyes, "I know you are hoping for it but I didn't forget you decided to ignore my very important question".

I sigh.

"Which is?"  
"Do you like Shepard?"  
"I take it back, I don't love you that much, brother."

Baz smirks.

"Noted. Now, answer the question."  
"Does it even matter? All we have is now."

Who I like and what I want hardly matters.

"Maybe we should talk about it then?" he asks.  
"About what?"  
"About how you think you don't have a future."  
"None of us have any future, let's be real for a second while Simon can't hear us".  
"Okay".  
"You are probably going to be killed someday. Maybe soon. Simon will definitely die on one of his heroic quests because he's reckless and that's the way he lives."  
"Fair. You?"  
"Don't want to live without you and Simon. I can, of course. But I don't want to. I will chose not to. You are my everything, you hear that? Where my boys are, this is where I should be".

Baz closes his eyes. I love him. He knows and he _understands_. And I understand him. Isn't it the best thing ever, to feel understood?

Suddenly, Simon appears right in front of us, holding three freshmade pieces of pizza on his plate.

"Used a little magic" he said, smiling. "Really, Pen, how do you put up with Shepard? His eating habits are disgusting".

I smile at him and start to eat.

"By the way, does he know about the magic?" Baz whispers again.  
"Yes", I reply. "He told me that magic was real and that we could try to use it to find solution for our problems and that he'd be glad to help".  
"So, you two could really, you know, bond over magic together" Simon says with a giggle.  
  
I throw a pillow at him. Everyone's laughing.

This, right now, right here, is perfect. Nothing ever seems too scary when my family is right beside me.

Shepard appears from the kitchen, joining us; He's holding a bow in one hand, eating a green salad from it with another hand. Okay, now I see why they were fighting in the first place. And this is perfect, too. Maybe he could become fine addition to our little group, for a while. Maybe we can continue getting to know each other without making anything out of it. What's a little more meaninglessness in the world without a meaning?


	15. So much left unsaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for dying, loneliness and angst

**Natasha**

Once you die, you are dead. There's no coming back from there. No spell to bring you back to life. No magical kiss to awaken you. One moment you here, with people you care about, and the next moment there's nothing. You can't reach anyone. Can't say goodbye. You are left alone with every decision you haven't made. Every person you wish you could see one more time. But you can't. You are all alone. I'm all alone. 

Baz, my dear baby, I wish I could let you know I'm so proud of you and everything you've become.

Fiona, I wish you knew you've been the best sister one could wish for. Thank you for taking care of my son when you could and don't punish yourself for not being there for him when you couldn't. And also, I'm sorry for not approving of Nico when you two were together. He's alright bloke.

  
Mitali, my love. I'm sorry. For not being careful enough. For trusting Malcom more than I should. For telling him about us. And for leaving you. My love, this was never your fault. It breaks my heart to know you used to blame yourself for it. And again, Mitali, dearest, thank you for being so strong and taking Baz away from Malcom. Thank you for protecting my child that I loved more than life itself. 


	16. Guilty

**Mitali**

It's dark. We are lying on the unmade beds, neither of us trying to fall asleep. 

"I'm sorry, Fi".

"Couldn't wait to let me say goodbye to her, could you?", 

"Again, i'm sorry. I did what i thought would be for the best for her" I whisper. 

"Since when do we get to decide what is for the best and what's not?"

"Since it is our responsibility to raise new generation of mages, strong and powerful and not broken. Not like us. Not sicky or weak or addicted. Who were we, before the power? Before The Book? Are we still the same people? Are we happy with who we have become? Honestly, Fiona, are you happy? Don't you wish you could go back in time and save yourself?"

 **Fiona**

I am happy. And I wish I could go back in time. But not for the reason you are asking. 

**Mitali**

"Childish rubbish, this is. What's with all the talking, anyway? Since when do we just sit and talk?"

"Never happened before, right? What if that's the problem, Fi. We don't talk. We act as if we are machines. You go and kill whoever it is you are being told to kill. I serve to Watford. Which is hell in itself. This is all, Fi, is what we do and what we are. So yes, I erased Agatha's memories. Sometimes choices we make are unfair and cruel ones. We get to make them, and live with them, and move on". 

"I don't blame you. It wasn't okay what you did but i knew the risk and so did Agatha. It's all on me anyway, isn't it? I dragged her with me because I've become too weak myself. Not much can do on my own. If she was scared she wouldn't have gone with me. Still doesn't justify you". 

"I know. I'm not looking for weak excuses. I'm taking the responsibility, fully". 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, once we deal with the coven and i get my position back, i'll leave Watford officially. I can't keep being headmistress after having done what I did. I just can't". 

"But who's gonna take your place?"

"I don't know. You?"

"Me?"

"You". 

"You shitting me right now? You couldn't possibly name a person who's less fitted for the job". 

"You fit alright, Fi. I believe in you, Natasha believed in you. You just need to believe in yourself too".

"No"

"No?"

"The big fucking no. We'll find someone else if that's what you truly want, if leaving Watford would make you feel better. But don't drag me into this just because you fucked up". 

"So, what are we going to do now?"

"I'll send a message to the head of Coven, ask them for official meeting. Nico will meet us there. We'll tell the truth". 

"You think they'll believe him?"

"No, no way. But there are always truth revealing spells. Besides, Natasha did visit you, yeah?"

"Yeah". 

"So we have at least one proof she was there". 

"Have you tried contacting kids?"

"I have but no success there. Neither phones nor magic works. They seem to have put strong protection and hiding spells on themselves". 

"Must be the spells I told Penny to use. So, they worked". 

"You seem to have no problems with your own kids using dark magic". 

"My kids are the strongest magicians alive, they've got it". 

"You are sick with power, Mitali. You should be the one without memories". 

"And ordinary mages should never know what is limitless". 

"What do you protect, people or power?"

"Just what needs to be protected. You and me both know what's waiting for us in the end. For being what we are. We will never find peace. We will become servants in hell. Our souls are tied together forever, bounded be the darkness and loneliness growing from the inside". 

"How did Natasha escape, by the way? From hell. Did she tell you?"

"She made a deal with someone. You know her. She always finds a way". 

I smile, despite myself. Natasha would always find a way to keep an eye on the ones she loves. Even if the price to pay is too big. Even if it would be the last thing she does. What's that she told me. This was the act of self- sacrifice; Her soul will be destroyed soon enough after her business on earth is finished. This is my secret. Natasha made me promise neither Fiona nor Baz would find out yet. She will come back for them, when the timing is right. She is out there, somewhere now. Waiting for her final moment. 

Self- sacrifice;

Just what Pitch does. 


	17. To destroy is to save

**Simon**

I'm holding his hand. I'm never going to let go. He's cold, still, so cold. Doesn't matter how long I've been trying to warm him up. Dear. New found tenderness overwhelms me. I want to be close to him, closer, so much closer. To know what it's like to feel him as my second skin.  
To become him, and for him to become me. My soul, my dreams, everything I am and everything I was, take it and make me yours if only for one brief moment. In my heart, we will last forever. If we don't get to keep each other, if the world comes crushing down and ruin us, let us touch eternity and make the stars remember.

"Snow?" You say, looking at me with an eyebrow raised.

Your hand's still in mine. I don't remember why I took it but does it matter if the look you are giving me right now is _begging_ me to keep holding you? Do you realise how you look at me?

"Simon".  
"What?"  
"Simon. My name. Should have remembered. After all these years".

Oh, these pretty gray eyes. The prettiest I've seen.

"Snow, what are you doing?"  
"Sitting".  
"Very funny. Ha. Ha. Ha. See? This is me laughing".

I want to kiss you untill you forget how to talk. Your stupid mouth. Never good ever comes out of it.

You look at me as if I'm made of gold. As if I'm precious.  
But Baz. You are. You are my treasure.

"Try to be more specific. What am I doing? What are _you_ doing, Baz?"

**Baz**

You are the sun and I'm crushing into you.

You are holding my hand in a friendly manner. But we aren't friends. Except you saved my life. And risked yours for me. And you are still here. And your reputation's ruined because of me. And you carried me in your arms. And slept with me. And you are everything. But we aren't friends.

If I could, I would go back in time to when we first met. I would have rewritten our history. I never want to hurt you. Not again. Not ever. But this is what life is about. It's about being messed up. About making mistakes, finding courage to forgive ourselves and moving on. Simon, I'm sorry for being ass to you for such a long time. I'm sorry because despite everything you are still here, with me. I don't know if I deserve so much care from you but you certainly deserve have your feelings respected. Especially when the feelings are so, oh so mutual.

"Simon, I need to tell you something".  
"Oh, finally! It's Simon now!"

Your smile's so bright it's breaking my heart.

**Simon**

He's called me by my first name. I might be dying. Simon, Simon, _Simon!_ It's progress, right?

"Tell me what?"  
"I'm a vampire".

**Baz**

I broke Simon.  
He just keeps looking at me without blinking. I can feel him silently cursing me. Okay, i know, it sounded ridiculous given the circumstances and all. But we need to talk about it. He needs to know how dangerous it is to be near me. How lonely he'll eventually get if he doesn't pull away.

**Simon**

Has he hit his head? Worry makes its way to my stomach.

"Baz, you okay?"

**Baz**

Crowley, why doesn't he ever understand me?

"I'm okay, Snow".  
"Simon".  
"Simon, okay, yeah. I'm fine. But you need to understand it. I'm a vampire".  
"Baz, I know i'm not the brightest person on the planet but c'mon, give me some credit".

**Simon**

Baz lets out long suffering sigh. Still looking gorgeous, asshole. 

"What I'm trying to say, Simon Snow, is we never fully acknowledged my condition and what it means".  
"You need blood to survive, fire is dangerous to you. What else does it mean?"

**Baz**

And just like that he's making everything sound so simple. It's one of the reasons I'm so hopelessly drawn to him.

"What else? Okay. For example, there will always be people who want me dead. And they will want to hurt me and everyone I care about. You understand me? I'm the danger. I could ruin you just be existing".  
"I can take care of myself. And trust me, Penny can too. Not that you don't know that already. So what is this really about?"  
"It's about you trusting someone who could bite you and empty you in a blink of an eye".  
"You won't do this, Baz".  
"I won't but I still can. Matter of an choice, not at inability. Can you open your eyes and _see it?_  
 _"_ I always see you, Baz". He says, looking sad, almost melancholic. I don't like it.

"We used to punch each other at Watford, what's happened to you, Snow? Chosen One's gone soft?

**Simon**

Is it a right moment to kiss him? Will he run away if I do? Will he be mad? Will he kiss me back? C'mon, Baz, I know you want this as much as I do.  
I move closer to put my lips on his but he's abruptly standing up halfway and gives me a hug. He's hugging me. I was about to kiss him and he didn't let me.

**Baz**

Shit, Snow. This was close.  
I can't believe him. He nearly _kissed_ me. Me, of all people. So Simon does like me. It would be the best thing in the world. Being loved by Simon Snow. Being _with_ Simon Snow, through good and bad and everything in between. That is if I was sure I'd survive this little adventure. So I'm not gonna let him get too close to me before we are both safe. I can't. I can't die and leave him if we become something more than roommates or friends. I won't let my death be the reason for Simon's downfall. Maybe by rejecting him, I will be able to destroy his feelings. Hard, painful but nothing I can't endure.


	18. My mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw abuse

* * *

**Daphne**

Malcom Grimm.   
Father of my kids. My husband. My love. My hurt. 

At first everything was great. We had established a life together. We had kids. Living a life the way I was taught I should live it.

At first Malcom seemed a fine man, rich, respectable, reliable. Picture perfect picture, wasn't it? No. He was anything but. It's taken me some years to realise it tho because I didn't want to open my eyes, didn't want to face the truth. 

Some time after the marriage skin to skin contact went from making love in the dark to getting slapped, having my head hit, and things being thrown at me. The thing is, it's hard to admit you are being abused. Sometimes it's hard to recognise it.

Malcolm'd always make up for what he had done. He'd buy me presents. Give money. Pay attention. Kiss me where he had hurt me. He'd explain that I deserved what I was getting. He was good husband when he was trying to be one. 

Kids never said anything to me. Never said he was hurting them. But I knew he was. And I hadn't done a thing.

When the time to be a hero comes you are either throw yourself into the action or stay motionless, unable to do anything but watch. So was it with me. I preferred to live with my eyes closed.   
Still, helpless act that is my life. 

Now Malcom is dead. I'm free. But it doesn't feel like freedom. It feels like being lost.  
I wish I could say I'd act differently had I had another chance. But I wouldn't have changed anything. I could never be brave enough to stand up to him. Sometimes, it's easier to give up. I gave up long time ago.

**Natasha**

If there's someone who can help me, it's her. I just need a proof. Just someone who can give testimony against Malcom. Someone who lived with him. Someone alive. 

**Daphne**

There are scars all over my back and my stomach. The scars that won't fade away. Not that I want them to. They've become a part of me, the part I want to remember. Because somehow, knowing i've made it out alive makes me feel stronger. The thing that's hurt me the most is the very ground I'm standing on. 

  
Get a hit, fall, take a deep breath, get up, smile at the scared child no one saw in the room. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.   
Life is a wonderful thing. 


	19. My mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw abuse

* * *

**Daphne**

Malcom Grimm.   
Father of my kids. My husband. My love. My hurt. 

At first everything was great. We had established a life together. We had kids. Living a life the way I was taught I should live it.

At first Malcom seemed a fine man, rich, respectable, reliable. Picture perfect picture, wasn't it? No. He was anything but. It's taken me some years to realise it tho because I didn't want to open my eyes, didn't want to face the truth. 

Some time after the marriage skin to skin contact went from making love in the dark to getting slapped, having my head hit, and things being thrown at me. The thing is, it's hard to admit you are being abused. Sometimes it's hard to recognise it.

Malcolm'd always make up for what he had done. He'd buy me presents. Give money. Pay attention. Kiss me where he had hurt me. He'd explain that I deserved what I was getting. He was good husband when he was trying to be one. 

Kids never said anything to me. Never said he was hurting them. But I knew he was. And I hadn't done a thing.

When the time to be a hero comes you are either throw yourself into the action or stay motionless, unable to do anything but watch. So was it with me. I preferred to live with my eyes closed.   
Still, helpless act that is my life. 

Now Malcom is dead. I'm free. But it doesn't feel like freedom. It feels like being lost.  
I wish I could say I'd act differently had I had another chance. But I wouldn't have changed anything. I could never be brave enough to stand up to him. Sometimes, it's easier to give up. I gave up long time ago.

 **Natasha**

If there's someone who can help me, it's her. I just need a proof. Just someone who can give testimony against Malcom. Someone who lived with him. Someone alive. 

**Daphne**

There are scars all over my back and my stomach. The scars that won't fade away. Not that I want them to. They've become a part of me, the part I want to remember. Because somehow, knowing i've made it out alive makes me feel stronger. The thing that's hurt me the most is the very ground I'm standing on. 

  
Get a hit, fall, take a deep breath, get up, smile at the scared child no one saw in the room. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.   
Life is a wonderful thing. 


	20. Take me with you

**Natasha**

Malcom has been found guilty by Coven. There was an attempt at imprisoning Nico. After my confession. They couldn't do anything to hurt me, not anymore. So they went for him. He looked like he wasn't going to fight them. 

There were tears in Fiona's eyes. She kept throwing dagger-like looks at me for all the time we were there. It was her way of telling me she'd missed me. Me too. 

I saw her tense when I said Nico was the one to drain Malcom. Coven wanted to know how I managed to get into the living world without Veil being lifted. Coven didn't believe Malcom deserved what he has gotten. Didn't want to believe. Coven are assholes. 

I should thank Daphne for helping to tell the truth. Our truth, two women who were unlucky enough to get married to Malcom. One woman who got to revenge herself, one woman who didn't. 

Daphne was there from the beginning. I didn't count on her being brave. But I had hoped. I had talked to her earlier. I tried to make her realise. And I was right. She cares for our family, after all. 

We both, in the end, just want to protect certain someone. Thank you, Daphne. 

How did I manage to come back? I'd heard rumors. Rumors of what Malcom was about to do. Afterlife is a wild place. I've made some useful acquaintances there. Malcom used to summon some of them, my acquaintances, the demons. He used to sleep with them. As empty - headed as he was, he loved talking to them, telling them what he couldn't tell anyone. So he told them he was going to kill head mistress of Watford. The only love I've ever had. Because she was protecting someone he wanted to teach a lesson and destroy in the process. The greatest joy of my life, my son. Because that's how Malcom loved. If he loved you, he would end you. 

When I had learnt about it, I knew I couldn't stay away. I had to come back, I had to do the right thing untill it was too late, no matter the price. So I made the deal. This is love, my love. One last adventure before I disappear from existence, afterlife and earth. 

All I have left is two goodbyes. I've already let go of Mitali. She was the first one I came to. First one I would always come back to. My son would be the last one. He's the last one ever I could turn away from and leave. But I won't have a choice. 

Fiona. My dear sister. This is the time for goodbye. This time we have a chance to make it right. No fire, no tears. This time we at least have a chance at goodbye at all. 

**Fiona**

I've heard when feelings get too much, we stop feeling them. It's what our body does to protect itself. Feeling anything right now would be too close to self - destruction. How many times do I have to let go of one person, one person who means the most, over and over again? How many times can you bury someone until you fall? Until the one buried is you? Take me with you, Natasha. It's unfair. I can't do it without you. I'm so tired of not feeling your presence. We were never meant to be apart. 


	21. Magically loved

* * *

* * *

**Shepard**

I don't have much time left. It's getting harder to walk and my vision is getting blurry from time to time. 

I don't have many regrets. Mostly, I only regret that all of that was for nothing. I didn't get to find my sister. I've only trapped myself in hell. Not that my real life has been much better but still. 

I tried and failed and now I'm gonna die. Well, at least, I'm not gonna die a virgin. Universe is kind enough. 

"You don't like me, right?"

"Not a bit" I lie, " Do you?"

"No"

"Okay"

"Okay, now shut up". 

She's getting out of her clothes, allowing me to see every aspect of her, every perfect imperfection. Her underwear's bright red. 

The door is closed, checked. Windows are closed, checked. Life and death. Making love is the opposite of dying. She's kissing me, hard, as if she means it. She tastes like chocolate. She's warm, so warm, and I've been dying for so long. I let her have control. Do what you wish. I'm a body. I exist. You are the light. You has blinded me into believing I'm as alive as you are. I feel it, with myself inside of you, I'm not alone. Can you feel my pain while we are the one?

I kiss your neck, making way down to your stomach. My body has found yours. Two hears are stronger together. Together they have better shot at not stop beating yet. Your hair's sweaty and purple. I've found the beginning of us. I kiss every part of you, to show how precious you are. I hold onto you as if it could save both of us. Pain is inevitable. Separation is inevitable. Keep holding me a little longer and we might make it through. 


End file.
